I love You.
I miss You.
I wish You were here to see how much
We Your three grandchildren have grown,
& so that I could introduce You to Symone.
I’m sure she knows You thru all the ways You live on in me.
The same way that thru her I know her Granny.
But I would have loved to see You smile big at her beauty,
& ask her if she letting them girls have it in volleyball.
I can't believe that this is the first time
I’ve ever written to You.
I’ve tried & failed to write about You,
& now here it’s clear that
I struggle to find the words for You, a man of few words.
A man who was gentle & kind & whistled his own tune everyday.
A man who couldn’t read words,
but could read the hell out of a landscape & a person’s heart.
I know You are reading mine as I write this,
So hear me as I say that
Since you’ve been gone,
I’ve felt your guidance everywhere.
I’ve heard your voice, not just in the voices of our family,
but also in the voices of my friends,
the music of Sam Cooke & singing Cardinals,
the breeze thru the leaves of big trees
& the stillness of a flowing river.
Maybe most of all though I feel your presence
in the clasp & jingle of Your gold bracelet.
Yeah, the one I found in the old Swisher Sweet box
in the bottom drawer of Your nightstand.
It was right after Your funeral,
where we all spoke & cried & laughed & cried for You
that I felt something I had never felt before.
A visceral shock, the combination of something being ripped out of my gut
& something like lightning striking into my heart.
I figured those somethings were pieces of Your spirit,
Exploding like a star's supernova,
A trillion bits of warmth traveling thru space & time,
more of which I now held in Your passing.
This painful grief felt like an initiation as Your grandchildren.
Me & Miles & Vera now carry Your legacy into the future.
So naturally I returned home & went through Your closet.
I searched through Your shirts & jackets & pants & hats
With a newfound courage.
Or
A newfound desperation.
To take a tangible piece of Your legacy with me everywhere I went.
To feel more than ever before that You walk with me every step of the Way.
But none of Your clothes fit!
Either I was too big,
or You were too big,
for our styles to be a perfect match.
I sighed, feeling stuck.
& that's when I glanced at Your nightstand,
Wondering what might treasures might be held
Closest to where You laid your head to rest.
Kneeling by Your bed,
I prayed for a sign
& pried the drawer open
To find one of those familiar
Swisher Sweet boxes that You seemed to have everywhere.
Within this secret chest, Your chest,
I recognized immediately a piece of Your heart,
Emboldened & immortalized
In the prettiest & most powerful piece of jewelry
I have ever known.
The thin river of gold,
With ridges carved across the bracelet's links.
Nameless, ageless, brandless, & clueless,
Except for the "14K" engraved on the clasp.
I had never seen You wear this golden gift,
Or even lift it out of this cigarette box
Let alone tell me its story.
Yet within all of the mystery of this magic bracelet
Lied a little more clarity & confidence
In my purpose as the bearer of Your Legacy.
I could now see that You would always be with me.
We walk together & follow each other's foot steps
As You do with Miles & Grace as well.
With Your bracelet & spirit by my side,
We have walked, run, swam, biked, driven & flown
Thousands of miles into this wild world
Beyond what you were ever meant to see directly
But vicariously thru us, Your grandchildren.
& since Your passing,
We've been thru some shit.
I have depended on Your guidance & protection
Thru graduating from college in the middle of a pandemic.
Staying committed like You
To the love of my life (& now wife - Symone!)
Thru doubt & discomfort & long-term long distance.
Struggling to grow up & become a man like You
But in what feels like a completely different world
Where men like You are rare.
But what am I saying?
You & I have always been one-of-a-kind.
As hard to find as Your bracelet.
Wearing this tiny part of Your legacy has
Enabled me to feel a little safer
In a society that doesn't care for our safety.
Wearing this tiny part of Your legacy has
Encouraged me to create a little more safety
For our family, friends & community.
Wearing this tiny part of Your legacy has
Empowered me to receive love & attention in Your honor
& open myself up to truly
Expressing myself thru jewelry & clothes & a lifestyle
That first & foremost feels good & great to me
Because it's in those feelings that I can be free
& become like You & bring more of Your beauty
Into this world with lots of care & a funky flair.
So it is with this little bit of Your legacy
Held in Your gold-linked bracelet,
That I've come a long, long way.
& it is with the time
That I've gotten to wear this bracelet,
That I could hear you say
In your raspy whispering voice,
That, "It's been a long, long time comin',
But I know, a change is gonna come."
That it would be time for me
To make the choice
To pass this piece of You
To my brother,
Your second grandchild,
So that You may guide & protect him along his journey
As you have guided & protected me on mine.
So that the glimmering, glinting shine of Your golden love
May bring even more warmth into our family
Thru Your evolving relationship with him & our sibling.
& as I give my favorite possession to Miles,
Knowing that it doesn't just belong to me,
I feel that this is only another induction,
A reintroduction into my relationship with You,
One where I all I do is thank You.
Thank You.
Thank You.
& bravely bear my heart to the world in honor of Yours,
Living my life in the spirit of this letter,
As the ultimate form of love & gratitude for You,
Praying for the possibility that I may be able
To guide our descendants
from beyond the grave
as You have for me.
Love Your Grandson,
Jan